WWE WrestleMania 32 (April 3, 2016)

The WrestleMania countdown continues with a Texas sized extravaganza

Everything is bigger in Texas. Even WrestleMania. I picked this one completely at random because I couldn’t settle on one from the 2010s to watch. This is widely regarded as one of the worst WrestleMania shows in recent memory. This is the show that I remember having Roman Reigns vs. Triple H as the main event and the Undertaker vs Shane match. I truthfully don’t remember anything else from this card because even though 2016 is only nine years ago, it feels like an eternity in WWE years. Let’s see if it’s really that bad.

Here’s our card:
1) Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Sami Zayn vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder vs. Kevin Owens - Ladder Match
2) Chris Jericho vs. A.J. Styles
3) The New Day (Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods & Big E) vs. The League of Nations (Alberto Del Rio, Sheamus & Rusev)
4) Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar - No Holds Barred Street Fight
5) Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks
6) The Undertaker vs. Shane McMahon - Hell in a Cell Match
7) Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal¹
8) The Rock vs. Erick Rowan
9) Triple H vs. Roman Reigns

AT&T Stadium looks wild! Fifth Harmony is here to sing a tune about ‘Murica. Never heard of them before. They remind me of a group you’d hear on soft rock radio at Christmas time belting out the 1,579th cover version of “Last Christmas”. This intro video is really good. Talking about legends, warriors, “stories of the dead rising” and whatnot. Michael Cole claims this is “the night where legends show youthful exuberance”. If that’s not a Vince-ism than I don’t know what is. Our commentary crew is Michael Cole, JBL and .. Bryon Saxton? Fuck, JBL is already annoying me and we’re not even five minutes into this show.

Again, we start with a ladder match that has a LOT of people in it. Dolph Ziggler, Miz, Sami Zayn, Stardust, Sin Cara, Zack Ryder and Kevin Owens are our participants here. Stardust is from the “Fifth Dimension” and his music is actually pretty cool. Kevin Owens’ first Mania and this is the start of the ongoing “KO Mania” bit. Kevin and Sami face off straight away. It’s so bizarre to see Cody Rhodes as Stardust here knowing nine years from this, he’d be the top guy in wrestling and preparing to face John Cena at WrestleMania. Miz takes a bad fall. Kevin and Sami beat each other up. Kevin tells Sami to “go back to NXT”. HOLY SHIT SAMI! HE DOVE THROUGH the ladder and took out EVERYONE! Sin Cara fell OFF THE LADDER and did a SPRINGBOARD OFF THE ROPE to the floor. LOL at the polka dot ladder that Stardust pulls out. Startdust took Miz’s “Skull Crushing Finale” right on the edge of the ladder. Yikes! There’s been a ton of interaction between Sami and KO here. It’s like a thread that keeps unraveling … GOD DAMN KO! A DAMN FROG SPLASH ONTO SAMI who was on a ladder! Insane elbow drop rom the top of the ladder by Ryder! Don’t know what Dolph and Ryder just did off a ladder but both of them damn near killed themselves! Owens has just been dealing out vicious powebomb after vicious powebomb. HOLY F’N SHIT!! SIN CARA! IS HE OK!! That ladder with Stardust on it broke and both of them crashed violently! Sami and KO at the top. OH JESUS! HALF NELSON SUPLEX BY SAMI THROUGH A LADDER!! How is KO’s neck not broken!! This has been a damn car crash and half. Miz showboats, gets shoved off the ladder and Zack Ryder wins!! I do NOT remember that at all! This was a blast. Next up, Jericho vs. AJ as “Y2AJ” implodes! Good pace here at the beginning. Jericho catches AJ with a dropkick on the outside. Crazy to think that this was AJ’s first Mania and it was nine years ago! Feels like it was just yesterday with the shock debut at the Royal Rumble. A Twitter scroll (remember Twitter?) goes across the screen with what looks like a bunch of generic WrestleMania tweets. AJ and Jericho have kept a good pace here and haven’t strayed too far from doing anything crazy. Of course just as I type that, AJ hits a top rope face buster. Nice catch from Jericho on the Pele kick attempt and reversal into the Walls of Jericho. Loved the submission reversals and tease of Jericho tapping in the calf crusher. Big forearm coming? Nope. AJ misses and Jericho nails a codebreaker. This is better than I remember it being. Also longer. But I’m not complaining. I’ve enjoyed the hell out of this. Two guys wrestling a great match. Styles Clash! KICKOUT BY JERICHO! I thought that was it! So many close near falls. Styles goes for the forearm .. JERICHO CAUGHT HIM! CODEBREAKER! Hell of a match there! Forgotten gem actually.

Don’t miss the Total Divas season finale! No thanks. Maria Menounous is with Zack Ryder. I always liked seeing her pop up and do stuff with WWE. Ryder says he lived his dream. There’s a big ass box of Booty-O’s on the stage. Did anyone ever try Booty-O’s? Was it an actual real cereal? New Day pops out like cereal box prizes. They’re here for a 6-man tag. What the fuck was the League of Nations? I have no memory of this group whatsoever. So Wade Barrett is just gonna hang out on the outside? Seems like a waste. Anyway, this has been ok. Nothing incredibly exciting. Rusev nails Big E with a giant running kick on the outside. For some reason, I thought was one of those quick 90-second multi-man tags they sometimes do on WrestleMania. Big Brogue Kick by Sheamus and … New Day loses? Well that was unexpected. How long did the League of Nations faction even last? Match was fine. Nothing special. Wade Barrett talks and says “the lads have won”. He says there are no “three men in history” who can take out the League of Nations. Cue the legends … Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley and Stone Cold. Shawn looks really old in his gear. The legends amble to the ring. Wait, are we gonna have another match here? Nope, just a brawl. Legends dominate. Rusev takes an epic stunner. Guess I just answered my own question about how long the League of Nations lasted. Guess that would classify as a hostile takeover? Fun little segment with the legends. Ambrose vs. Lesnar up next. Lesnar’s haircut reminds me of Ludvig Borga. Hell, Lesnar’s face looks like Ludvig Borga. Lesnar’s offense consisted of mostly those suplexes he always did which to me made every match of his feel exactly the same. Suplex after suplex after suplex and nothing else. Barely any weapons used. I’m so tired of seeing Lesnar suplex Ambrose. Feels like a squash. Low blow to Lesnar’s yam bag made me wince. Ambrose has a damn chainsaw. And now a chair. Why are we counting Lesnar’s suplexes and who really cares? Handful of people chant “this is awesome”. I wouldn’t go that far but it’s been decent. Ambrose finds a bat wrapped in barbed wire. That was under the ring why? That bat amounted to jack all as Lesnar wins with an F5 on a shitload of chairs. Ric Flair, Zack Ryder and Dolph Ziggler fuck around on a Snickers commercial. Ryder eats the Snickers and turns into Charlotte Flair. The hell? How come every time I eat a Snickers I don’t turn into Charlotte Flair? HOF recap … Freebirds, Godfather, Big Boss Man, Jacqueline, Stan Hansen, Snoop Dogg, Sting. Oh yeah, the Warrior Award thing. Forgot about that.

Becky vs. Charlotte vs. Sasha for the newly christened WWE Women’s Title is next. Pretty epic entrance from Sasha. Always liked the original version of Charlotte’s theme. Even almost ten years later, this match is still has an epic feel right from the start. It just feels like a completely fresh start for the women’s division after the divas era. That was not a good version of the “rude awakening” from Charlotte. Becky looking like someone from a steampunk series. Nasty landing by Sasha on the outside. Becky with some nice offense, nearly breaking Sasha in half with a suplex and a rock bottom on Charlotte. GOD ALMIGHTY! SASHA NEARLY BROKE HER NECK DIVING OUT OF THE RING onto Charlotte. Big moonsault to the outside by Charlotte! Camera people nearly missed the damn thing though. Is it just me or does the crowd seem quiet? Submission exchange section was are nuts. Vicious spear by Charlotte on Sasha. EXPLODER SUPLEX from the top rope! Figure 8. Charlotte wins. I really think Sasha should’ve won but a hell of a match here. Video package on Undertaker vs. Shane. Isn’t this the mystery lockbox and battle for power storyline or whatever? Undertaker vs. Shane inside the friendly confines of Hell in a Cell is next up. Cole says that Shane said the key to the match is “air”. Isn’t air the key to everyone and everything? Less than five minutes in and this thing is already slowing to a crawl. I just noticed there’s a bunch of Shane-O-Mac funny money everywhere, including on the top of the cell. Vicious last ride powerbomb. Shane locks in a choke of some sort. I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine as what he was trying there. Chokeslam on the steps. I chuckled at the hollow sound of the steps as the ref counted. Do I have this on slow motion? No, it’s playing at normal speed. Just felt like slow motion because these bastards are moving slower than snails. Taker slaps on the Hell’s Gate. Shane’s hand bangs inadvertently against Taker a few times. Hey ref, that was a tap! Shitty Shane sharpshooter applied. I’m good at alliteration. Coast to coast dropkick thing from Shane. What is Shane looking for under the ring? Why the hell does he have bolt cutters? Shane cuts the bolts off the cage. Byron says “this doesn’t make any sense”. I’m with you there Byron or Bryon or whatever your name is. They crash through said panel. Now they’re on some time of platform outside the cage. What the hell? Holy shit! Dive off the platform thingy trough a table! Shane throws a wrench in things and hits Undertaker in the face with a toolbox to the face of Undertaker! See what I did there? Shane’s on top of the cage. Please don’t. Please don’t do what I think you’ll do! HOLY FUCK! HOLY FUCK! SHANE JUMPED OFF THE CAGE FELL STRAIGHT THROUGH AN ANNOUNCER DESK!! THAT WAS ONE OF THE CRAZIEST THINGS I’VE EVER SEEN!! How is Shane moving? That fall off the cage was insane! Both guys are dead in the ring. Tombstone ends this insanity. Immediate thoughts. This was slow paced as all hell so just know that going in. That being said, mad props to both guys for putting on a crazy match. Shane took some nasty and gnarly bumps. Shane’s coast to coast move was wild. That dive off the cage though. Seriously one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen in wrestling. How he did not get seriously injured by that I’ll never know. Storyline for this match was ridiculous too. But you know what, I think I might’ve been be a bit harsh. For one guy in Shane who hadn’t had a match since like 2009 and Undertaker who was a part-time wrestler by 2016, I think this was good for what it was.

Renee Young, Booker T, Lita and Corey Graves recap the proceedings so far. I think we all need a breather after that last match. Corey speaks in buzz words.

Andre the Giant Battle Royal time and tons of people wander down. If you want the full list of participants, check the footnotes. So many random dudes I totally forgot were still hanging around collecting checks. Mark Henry gets his own entrance. As does Kane. DDP is here? That’s random. Big Show lumbers down. What the hell? Shaq is in the match? Ok then. The fuck is Tatanka doing in the ring? Big Show and Shaq face off as all the participants look from the outside. They all run in and gang up on both dudes. That’s really smart strategy. From just a fun factor, I love random dude battle royals like this and they should really keep these going. Great thing to get people on the show who wouldn’t otherwise be on it. Out goes DDP. Adam Rose (remember him?) and Tatanka square off. That’s a sentence I never expected to type. Baron Corbin looks weird with long stringy hair. Definitely a far cry from his Chili’s bar manager look in later years. Dallas, Axel, Slater and Rose dance around the ring. Apparently they’re a group? I have no memory of this. I also have no memory of Baron Corbin winning this so there’s that I guess. Was this the last year the battle royal was on the main card? WWE 2K16 ad. Never played it. WrestleMania is in Orlando in 2017. Wait, wasn’t Orlando the one after WrestleMania 23? I swear I didn’t do that on purpose.

The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders are here. This music is obviously dubbed over. Hey! It’s The Rock! Rock has a t-shirt launcher thing. JBL wonders “what the hell is that?” Bryon says “I have no clue”. JBL replies “you usually don’t Byron.” Oh it’s a flamethrower. Extremely convenient how there was a giant sign of the word “ROCK” for him to light on fire. Because that was totally necessary. In the time it took Rock to get to the ring I could’ve made a sandwich, ate said sandwich, gone for a smoke and come back and he probably still would still be fucking around on the ramp. Typical Rock segment. Takes forever to get to the point. Attendance is 101,763 according to the graphic. Wyatt Family shows up. Awesome visual with all the flashlights in the stadium. It makes me sad to think about it though. Bray was so damn creative. I hope the Wyatts get a chance to do something at WrestleMania this year. Braun Strowman looks like a werewolf. Rowan looks exactly the same as he does today. That being said, this segment is taking forever. Bray drones on about stuff. Rock takes forever in his retort. All of this bullshit leads to a match? A six-second match between Rowan and Rock. Not sure that even qualifies as a match. Michael Cole loses his mind as John Cena shows up. What’s he gonna do? Not sure because I can’t see him. There’s a lot more fighting and brawling here than in the supposed match between Rowan and Rock. Why couldn’t have this just been a 2-on-3 match with Rock and Cena against the Wyatts or something? I could’ve fast forwarded and saved myself a a good HALF HOUR of boredom but no, I do this for you, the readers.

This show was going on at a pretty good clip until that whole mess. Let’s see how the main event goes.

Time for Triple H vs Roman and … LOL!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS WEIRD ASS TRIPLE H ENTRANCE?! Cole gives a stat that Triple H has held the WWE Title 3 1/2 years combined. Give it time Cole and Roman will eclipse that with one long reign. Roman getting booed like crazy. I’ll stay positive and say this hasn’t been too bad too far. Brawling and punching. Roman did that running dropkick thing on the outside. Crowd has completely flipped, cheering for HHH and booing Roman. HHH’s neckbreaker off the German announce table was pretty neat. HHH keeping this slow going. Reigns gets tossed violently into the German announce table. Spear through the guardrail!! Liked that. Highest impact move so far. I’d write more about what’s happening but there’s not too much and I really don’t want to do play-by-play just to inflate my word count. I do like HHH cinching in an arm lock on the shoulder Roman hurt on the spear through the railing. Why is Stephanie in the ring accosting the referee? GOOD GOD! That was a CRAZY spear she just took! Her head hit that mat HARD. How convenient. There was a sledgehammer under the ring. I’m sure that’s helpful for ring maintenance. Spear. Reigns wins. That was a long and boring match. Cole calls it “the renaissance of the Roman Empire”. Sure, yeah, whatever you say dude.

This show gets a lot of flack but it’s nowhere near as bad as I remember it being. It fell off a cliff with the Rock segment and tried to climb back up but that main event just wasn’t good. There’s a lot to like here otherwise though — the ladder match, the women’s three way. Jericho vs. AJ is a nice hidden gem. For all its faults I kind of liked Undertaker vs. Shane as a stunt show. The legends brawl with New Day and League of Nations was a fun moment too. If I was ranking WrestleMania shows, I’d put this comfortably in the middle.

1. Battle Royal entrants: Fandango, Damien Sandow, Shaquille O’Neal, Big Show, The Ascension (Viktor & Konnor), Diamond Dallas Page, Tatanka, Jack Swagger, R-Truth, Goldust, Curtis Axel, Adam Rose, Heath Slater, Bo Dallas, Tyler Breeze, Mark Henry, Darren Young, Kane, Baron Corbin