Coliseum Video: WWF Terminators 1996

Back to the video store for another Coliseum Video special! No, there are no actual terminators involved in this.

This is a tape I forgot existed. Actually, I’m guessing its a tape that many people don’t know exist. I’ve never heard of it but I was going through my hard drive and saw this on there and had no clue what it was. So I’m diving into this blind.

Our 14 match lineup for this tape. Yes, 14 matches crammed into a two hour tape.

1. The Smoking Gunns (Billy & Bart) vs. Owen Hart & Yokozuna vs. Sycho Sid & 1-2-3 Kid vs. Razor Ramon & Savio Vega - Four Way Elimination Raw Bowl Match
2. British Bulldog vs. Diesel
3. Shawn Michaels vs. Yokozuna
4. British Bulldog & Yokozuna vs. Shawn Michaels & Diesel
5. Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Razor Ramon
6. Bret Hart vs. Goldust
7. Fatu vs. “Ringmaster” Steve Austin
8. Diesel vs. Yokozuna
9. Hakushi vs. 1-2-3 Kid
10. Issac Yankem vs. Diesel
11. Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. Tatanka
12. Bret Hart, Razor Ramon & Savio Vega vs. Owen Hart, Yokozuna & Hakushi
13. Razor Ramon vs. Jeff Jarrett
14. Bret Hart vs. The Undertaker

Dok Hendrix is here from his lair hosting this tape. Get used to seeing a lot of him because he shows up every 2-3 matches. The Raw Bowl is our first match. What the hell is a Raw Bowl? OMG! THE RING HAS A GREEN CANVAS WITH HASH MARKS! Why? What is the point of any of this? What in the actual hell is happening? Vince and King work in about a 1,000 football puns and analogies. The rules are that each team gets one “time out” and a team is eliminated when someone is pinned, counted out, disqualified or submits. Of course Bart and Owen start in a three point stance. Earl Hebner looks ridiculous dressed as a football referee. Goldust is seen gawking at the proceedings. King interviews a clueless blonde at ringside and makes references to his wiener. That’s pleasant. Impressive vertical suplex by Bart on Sid. Brother Love is shown preaching backstage to any empty locker room. Vince wonders if he knows that the “players” are on the “field”. Comedy! As far as the match goes, it’s been enjoyable enough. The constant football reference and cliches are getting insufferable though. Apparently 1-2-3 Kid called “timeout”. Nothing stops or happens though except for Razor getting pinned so I don’t see what the point of that was. And now a collegiate band plays. Owen, Savio and Kid have been the highlights so far. Owen eats shit on a big top rope splash. Chaos erupts, Vince calls Cornette “debris” and Yoko splashes Owen by accident. Yoko tries to call timeout from the floor. Vince says “you can’t call timeout from the sidelines”. Actually, you can. That’s what coaches do! Big leg drop by Sid. This match has been going on for what feels like an eternity. King asks for comments from the clueless blonde at ringside. She says nothing of note. Smoking Gunns get the win as Vince loses his mind!

Our next series of matches are from post Royal Rumble episodes of Raw that were taped in California. Diesel vs. Bulldog is joined in progress. Diesel just wrecks Bulldog with a knee to the side. Yoko wanders to ringside and we jump to Yoko slugging Diesel. Vince talks about an upcoming WWF tour of India. Lawler says “we already have too much trouble with reservations and gambling.” Groan. Lots of stomping by Bulldog. Yoko interferes and squashes Bulldog by accident. Not much here. Now we get Yoko against Shawn Michaels. HBK runs the ropes here as fast as Bron Breakker does currently. Back from commercial (I think) and Shawn misses a dive. Shawn’s been a great guy to bounce off Yokozuna and make him look like a monster. To the top by Shawn! Nope. Yoko squishes him in the corner. Owen interferes, accidentally kicks Yoko. Felt like the same style of finish the previous match did. This was fine. Vince is with Cornette. Ten bucks says he issues a challenge for a tag match. Yep, he does. And now we get said tag match of Shawn & Diesel against Yokozuna & British Bulldog joined in progress at the point where Yoko has a nerve hold on Shawn. Violent knee by Bulldog on Shawn. Diesel tags in and wrecks shop. Bulldog damn near got knocked out on a big boot. What’s with all these mistake finishes in these matches with Owen, Bulldog and Yokozuna. Shawn and Diesel win, unsurprisingly. Razor vs. HHH in a battle of cliq buddies is up now. Can we please stop with these Raw matches from the same taping? You know if Dok would stop talking so much we might actually be able to get full matches on this tape. Lawler interviews HHH’s valet at ringside who actually seems like she gets what she’s supposed to do. Razor eats the ring post. Vince says something about the medics checking on Gorilla Monsoon. Oh, this came from that episode. Here’s the 1-2-3 Kid with a baby bottle. I’m confused. Razor gets himself counted out chasing the Kid around ringside. Well that was stupid. Bret vs. Goldust is clipped all to hell. Guessing because of commercial breaks? Not much to this, at least from what I can tell. Goldust tries to retreat. Razor throws him back in. Bret does the clothesline and leg sweep deal. Yay highlights! At this point, they should’ve just put both post-Rumble episodes of Raw on this tape in their entirety and called it a day.

Fatu vs. Ringmaster is actually not from the California tapings! Weird to see Austin and Fatu in these bad characters considering how big they’d be in the few years after this during the Attitude Era. Also weird to see Austin with hair in the WWF. Nice move by Austin ducking the thrust kick and chop-blocking Fatu. This from an episode of Superstars. I know this because the split screen said so. Crazy looking running bulldog from Fatu! Big top tope superplex from Austin! Million Dollar Dream sleeper hold by Austin and DiBiase cackles at ringside. Vince yells that Austin is “stone cold”. Foreshadowing perhaps? Time warp back to 1995 for Diesel defending the WWF Title against Yokozuna. Are they just throwing random stuff on here to fill up the tape? Wait, what happened? That lasted like 60 seconds! Ok then. Back to our California taping for Hakushi vs. 1-2-3 Kid. I can’t keep up with what’s happening. Not that I really need to do play-by-play. These two can have a great match in their sleep. Nice chops by Hakushi. Kid is just dominating most of this though. Holy crap! What a dropkick by Hakushi to catch Kid in mid-air! These two are moving so quick I feel like I’m watching this on fast forward. Hell of a dive to the floor by Hakushi! What the heck? Big double undertook top top suplex by the Kid! How many Diesel matches are we gonna have on this tape? Think this is like the fourth one so far. Yankem throws a bunch of punches. You might say he drilled Diesel. See what I did there? Big top rope leg drop attempt from Yankem as the commentators plug the Bret vs. Goldust match we already saw. Pretty entertaining match. Just two big dudes barreling into each other for like five minutes.

Jake vs. Tatanka is from the pre-show of the February 1996 IYH PPV. I had no idea Tatanka was still around the WWF in 1996. I would love to see more of these pre-show matches on the WWE Vault. Or even the bonus matches that were tacked in from the In Your House PPV videos. This is the sort of stuff I think about when the match in front of me isn’t all that great. Crowd loses their mind when Jake hits the DDT. Well that happened. Fun fact. The Bret/Savio/Razor vs. Yoko/Owen/Hakushi match is the exact same match I reviewed on the Wrestlefest 1995 tape just with new commentary because, ya know, why not. If you want to read my notes on this, refer to my Wrestlefest review. This match also appeared on a tape called Confirmed Hits. Don’t think I’ve seen that tape but knowing this match was also recycled for that tape (and apparently the Diesel/Yokozuna match from earlier was as well) I think I can skip it. Razor vs. Double J was another Superstars match. Jarrett slows things down with some rest holds. Some decent action but nothing overly mind-blowing. 1-2-3 Kid comes ringside with a baby stroller. Razor smacks him. That’s a pretty cute giraffe on that stroller actually. Kid starts beating Razor with the stroller. Alright then. I can with a good degree of certainty that’s the first time I’ve ever written about someone getting assaulted with a baby stroller. These two have had good matches against each other. This was not one of them. Back to California for Bret vs. Undertaker. I’m so sick of seeing matches from this taping. This is a rematch from the Royal Rumble the previous night. Diesel joins commentary and asks for a raise. Decent bout. Nothing too terribly exciting though. Feels like they’re repeating the same moves over and over. That seems to be a common theme here. Vince rambles on about what the weather forecast is in Hell. Oh look, a ref bump. Hmm. I wonder what’s gonna happen. If you guessed Diesel interfering then you’d be right. He destroys everyone.

Dok is back to sign off. If I would’ve bought this tape, then I probably would’ve been mad actually. Mostly TV matches, including the majority of two full Raw episodes, and the ones that aren’t were recycled from other tapes. Good thing I didn’t pay for it though so I’m actually not that mad. Still though, take the two hours this tape runs and go watch an actual Terminator movie or something instead.